How to Help Your Coaching Clients With Body Image Challenges

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I don’t like to sweat.  I don’t look good”, Pam said when I asked her how strong her intensity is when exercising.  I’m torn between saying “Of course not, fitness isn’t pretty, you don’t need to look good when doing it” or something more helpful , and what I know she wants to hear, like “You look good no matter what you do”!  Pam’s been telling me for months how much she wants to lose weight, how she’s been walking every night (or almost every night), watching what she eats and simply doing EVERYTHING she can to lose weight.  The problem with EVERYTHING is that it doesn’t seem to include consistency.  The lack of consistency extends to her portion sizes and eating ‘healthy’ as well as exercise intensity and frequency.  I don’t say much to Pam because I’m not her coach, her trainer, her boss, her mother or, frankly, anyone in a position to say to her the things she doesn’t want to hear.  I’m just her friend and as her friend I would really like to see Pam be happy.  I know she would choose skinny over happy for herself but I’ve seen her skinny and she wasn’t happy then either.

Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten what a happy Pam looks like it’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile and NOT heard her complain about her body.  Our current conversation arose because of the young female jogger that passed us by as we walked across the parking lot to our cars.  As the runner moved quickly by, Pam was quick to criticize her for being ‘too sweaty and gross’ as though by criticizing a stranger for doing what Pam secretly wishes she could do would sabotage and diminish said young female and somehow make her accomplishment of actually exercising at a level that burns calories less than what it is.  I get it, I know why she reacts this way, and that makes me sad too.  She takes other people’s hard efforts as an affront and judgment personally as though their conscious healthy choices are directed at her.  I’ve known Pam for a long time and when we were younger she was happy with herself.  She was (and still is) pretty, outgoing, smart and has an impressive creative side, no matter her weight.

We used to do active things together and it was fun!   When we were younger it seemed as though staying slim didn’t take as much effort and now that more work is required Pam has a hard time accepting it.  Her mother has been known to attach more emphasis to body size than character traits, intellect or kindness and it’s my opinion that that, coupled with an atrocious ex-boyfriend, did more to undermine her self-esteem than weight gain itself.  She would probably argue about that with me, she likes to let the ex and her mother off the hook and take all the blame herself.  When Pam made the comment about the runner being sweaty and gross I took the opportunity to ask her about her evening walks.  ‘Well, don’t you get sweaty when you go out for your walks after work?”  “Good God, no!

The last thing I want to do is sweat!  I don’t look good and I’d have to shower and I just don’t feel like doing that when I get home.”  With several replies bouncing through my head it occurs to me to ask instead, “Well, who on earth is going to see you and why would you care?”  Like so many women I’ve known with low self-esteem and negative body image she seems to think that her desirability rests on looking ‘good’ at all times while willingly ignoring that exercising at an intensity that might make her not look good is the only avenue to eventually looking good!  While the irony isn’t lost on me it seems to be on Pam.  “Well, I don’t know,” she finally responds, “I guess I hadn’t thought of that.  I just know I don’t like that all over sweaty feeling.”

“Pam, don’t you think you might have to sweat just a little if you want to lose weight?  What if you just embraced the sweatiness while telling yourself this is what it takes to get fit?” I ask her.

“Oh, I don’t want to get fit!  I don’t want all those bulging muscles! I want to lose a few pounds but I don’t want to look mannish!”

“Losing weight is about getting fit.  You need some muscles just to live life well.  That doesn’t mean you’ll look like a man.  Where did you get that idea?”

This is such a common misconception with women.   I’ve observed women at the gym who come in most days for months and never change in appearance.  By that I mean they don’t appear to have lost any weight or developed any muscle tone – this does not mean bulking up – and the one thing they all have in common is that by the end of their work outs they are not sweaty and have made sure not to disturb their hair or make up.  I know I don’t go to the gym to look pretty on the treadmill.  I pull my hair back, put on comfortable clothes I can move in and hit it as hard as I can.  I guess I’ve never grasped why Pam, and women like her, are so worried about how they look while exercising.  You can’t work sub-maximally and expect maximal results.  The law is effort = results, period.

I can see Pam pondering her answer.    She’s not even sure why she thinks that way.  Like many women, whether through popular culture or the environment she grew up in (parents, schools, etc.) she simply has internalized the belief that women are to look good without regard to how they got/stay that way, while being ‘sporty’ is not feminine and participation in sports or exercise negates any female desirability.  This, once more, makes me sad for her.  She can’t embrace herself as a physically strong person and hasn’t known the empowerment that comes with finishing a race, a challenging class or even reaching a goal.  What holds her back is her belief that she can’t and shouldn’t achieve something for herself, that if she can’t come by it naturally (by starving herself primarily, much like her mother does) then she’s a failure.  She can’t win: if she works hard at it – and sweats! – she’s a failure because she didn’t do it naturally but if she doesn’t achieve a goal naturally she’s a failure anyway.

“Pam, I’m wondering what it is you really want.  If losing weight is what you want, what are you willing to do to achieve it?  If all you have to do is start by sweating just a little bit, are you willing to do it?”

She falters, “I don’t know.  I guess I could try a little bit.  Would you come with me?”  At last!

“I would love to!”

by Margy Bartley
Spencer Institute Certified Food Psychology Coach

runmama262@yahoo.com

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