We are going to build one last part of science into our coaching model for coach actions and behaviors.
Chronic stress, without regular and period experiences of renewal, is non-sustainable for optimal holistic health and wellness.
Now we look to examine the physiology of the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) and Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS), including the relationship between stress and the activation of the SNS. We will also explore the renewal and the activation of the PNS, including implications for hormonal and cardiovascular activity in the body. We then turn to our neuroscience-based study of coaching; outlining the contagious effect of emotions, and the relationship between the brain’s independent and suppressive Task Positive Network (TPN) and Default Mode Network (DMN) and how each relates to our client’s problem solving/analytical tasks and social tasks/openness to people and experiences.
Coaching for our clients’ Ideal Self and their Ideal Relationships
The ideal self is centered on what we call autonomous motivation: This is simply what a person wants to do, and results in sustained, desired change. Conversely, the ought self is based on controlled motivation: what a person feels they must do based on the standards of others. The ideal self comprises hope, core identity, and an image of a desired future, and is fueled by optimism and self-efficacy.
These positive core values can be appreciated, championed and harnessed as client strengths. There is congruency between their ideal self and their positive emotional attractors. Where the client is not congruent is what we coach “in the gap”.
We then turn to the two forms of empathy: empathy with the head (a form of conceptual understanding and cognitive processing which implicates both the TPN and DMN) and empathy with the heart (genuine emphatic concern, which engages the DMN alone); with our focus on the need to develop emotional self-awareness in order to serve others, while appropriately balancing both forms of empathy as the coaching situation demands.
Coaching for the client’s Real Self, Balance and Learning Agenda
There is an optimal balance between time spent in the PEA and time spent in the NEA. Too much time in the PEA may result in over-optimism or complacency; with too much time in the NEA resulting in diminishment or depression. Given that negative emotional experiences tend to be stronger and more palpable, the ratio between time spent in the two emotional states should be skewed toward the PEA – at around 4:1 for any time that changes or transitions are outcome goals for our client.
Establishing the real self involves mindful awareness, which itself demands soliciting accurate feedback from others; coaches always seek feedback from others and so it should also go for the client. This helps to organize a list of personal strengths, cataloguing them for the client to leverage within themselves while also acknowledging any shortcomings they may seek to change – once again, this is that gap we often find ourselves coaching within.
Social Connectivity
The nature and role of social identity groups can serve as a means of support for a lot of us; the aspect of emotional contagion is also a significant influencer within social connections our clients holds. For well adjusted individuals, this typically facilitates the development of a larger or noble purpose within our client’s Ideal Self. A sense of purpose and sense of self can be shaped wholly or in part by the connections our client has. If this is a strength, we make note of it and consider using it if needed for coaching strategies used with our client. It can be as simple as asking “What is your circle of friends like?” We’re not prying. But we are most definitely fishing for information.
Guiding Clients to Lead the Life They Want
We all talk about balance, such as a work-life balance. this phrasing is a bit of a misguided metaphor that ignores the nuances and hard realities of our human experiences. To truly achieve balance, we are each forced to contend with the trade offs. It’s almost as if our client feels that they have to give up one part of their life for the another part to emerge… a better part. But we also know that we can’t have everything.
So you cannot have it all, at least not all at the same time. No one has everything at the same time.
You can coach your client to have more harmony in their life, especially if you have skills to support your coach actions. A yoga instructor working as a Certified Holistic Life Coach (CHLC) is a perfect example. A yogi has the skills to develop harmony through yoga for the client to absorb.
Lets dive in to the principle of balance to understand the idea more clearly. This will help us determine what skills we use in our coaching model with each unique client.
Now to continue here, try stepping outside of your coaching desk – taking the coach hat off – so that we can put a different lens on the matter. This lens is focused on trying a new way of looking at what’s possible.
Instead of thinking about balance, conceptualize the a visual for what we will call four-way wins. The scales and balance serve as more than a graphic; it’s also a metaphor for how to structure coaching so that your client is able to integrate different parts of their whole life in a way that works for them, maybe like a symphony. This is truly a holistic model. It allows for anything to be on the table.
But emphasize reflection for your client to consider life in four different parts, all different parts of an symphony; with symphony, sometimes you only hear the strings, other times the percussion; you hear instruments at different times and it can even be simply one instrument playing – sometimes it’s just the piano. Or the piano and the drums. The pieces are playing at different volumes, sometimes they are silent. This is just like the different parts of our lives.
Now, we’re going to hand over our new lens to our client and instruct them on its use. When we do this, we are still assessing our client. We are having dialogue based on curiosity and we are asking open ended questions for anything that needs to be clarified. “When you look through this new lens and shift your thinking you will have a different sense of what four different parts within your world that you can influence”. The likelihood of your client creating positive change and feeling like they are leading the life they want is now more likely to become a reality. Just by talking to our client about a shift is perspectives, they can start to boost their self esteem and confidence immeasurably.
The skills and principles that we’re talking about here can be learned. Newer coaches are cautioned that you may not be able to learn all of them immediately. You can choose which ones you want to focus on. But the opportunity to grow your capacity to lead through developing the skills include a wide range of possibilities to match our diverse client base.
The coaching model we are promoting in this training is more of leadership style as it is ideal from the point of view of the client’s whole person or being.
The CHLC leads and guides the client through the gaps in holistic living. Lets talk more of the skills required to bring life to these four key principles: Being present, being real, being whole, being innovative.
What does it mean to be real? This is another way of saying “be authentic”. To be real is to act with authenticity, by clarifying what matters most to us. This includes our values and our vision of the world we are trying to create. To be whole is to act with integrity. And the root of that term integrity is one, whole, coherent. So to be whole is to respect the whole person, and to realize that we are not just our work or not only defined by our family dynamics. We are not just parts of our social life, community, friends, religious, political groups – or really any easily defined construct. We are all so much more than just these “things”. The CHLC is tasked with finding out all of this.
When we have an understanding of how our client views their “selves”, we are on the right path to know our client holistically; this is not a private self, mind, body, or spirit, but instead the client is all of these things rolled into one. Some of what we come to know of our client might matter more to us (as coaches, especially) than others, but all four are indeed part of who you client is. Recognizing these different parts and how they affect each other is part of the growth of your leadership capacity that we require to excel as coaches.
Balancing the PEA and NEA
Client conversations should inspire change, learning and how to adapt. This style of compassionate coaching requires some coaches to look beyond just the thoughts of our client.
We need the positive emotional attractor to thrive in our client. But we need the negative emotional attractor to survive. This balanced survival is a key part of the ecological sustainability of each of us as, as a person, of our families, of our teams, of our, agencies, of our organizations, of our communities. But to be clear, we also need the negative emotional attractors to be factored into who our client is.
We need moments of stress. But very often those go on too long or they are too strong and they overwhelm us. It leads our clients to start to close down and become somewhat impaired, cognitively, perceptually and emotionally. Less open to new ideas, less open to other people. How do we invoke this positive emotional attractor more with our client? How do we influence to play a larger role in their holistic lifestyle goals? How do we help to create a tipping or trigger point for PEA’s? How do we pull someone away from the negative emotional attractor and into the positive? How do we help somebody return to it, or stay in it more frequently? This is what we mean when we say that we are coaching with compassion. Because compassion is an experience, a state in which we are in the positive emotional attractor.
One challenge is that often times we try to help clients and we fall into a state whereby we are coaching for compliance. We try to help somebody figure out what they’re supposed to do to change, to fit into our view of what they should be or how they should act. When we are engaged in coaching for compliance, we’re actually doing more prescriptive-driven work than trying to help somebody develop. When coaches creep into this mode, the client may feel they need to defend themselves. On top of this, clients go into a negative emotional attractor and engage the sympathetic nervous system, and they start to close down.
Science has about 25-30 years of coaching data to evaluate through various studies and research; and there is a lot of buy in from the therapeutic and coaching community for the effectiveness of using PEA and NEA in coaching; this collection of data has shown some trends. At the moment a client becomes dominant with NEA’s, they also they tap into the sympathetic nervous system. Once in an NEA dominant flow, the client will sometimes start to protect themselves. Even though they might say, “Well, I should do this”, the use of the word should very often invokes a sense of obligation which puts you in the negative emotional attractor) we know that we need to shift the balance to be more positive and toward the PEA’s.
Based on decades of research and experimentation -including longitudinal research – the issue of engaging people’s vision and their ideal self has shown to set the stage for activating PEA’s – such as hope and compassion; this compassion invokes the positive emotional attractor. Mindfulness, thinking about core values, ways of being present, awake and aware – these are all traits that can help clients in the change process. Furthermore, in this mindset, we can have a significant amount of persuasion to help people consider change.
Now think back on some of the things that people have said to you over the past few years – this could include a boss, spouse or coworker -, of things you should change to be better. To be more effective. Things that either you’re not doing or you should do less of. They may be things that you have previously acknowledged as being important or they may be things that you just don’t see as relevant. These could be changes in your behavior or your attitudes. If you were to make a list of them and then turn to another person and talk to them about what you wrote…this is what it is like for your client if you do this assessment with them while in your presence. It can feel awkward for some.
As you were going through this exercise of reflection and making a list, did you realize that you were also having your client practice a little bit of mindfulness? How did it feel for them? What was going on inside of them? Because this ends up being an important part of your ability to monitor what’s happening inside of our client, apart from what their spoken words are, we should simply ask! Why is it so critical? Well, consider the speed of emotional contagion.
Think about how it felt when you did this exercise and now picture how your client will respond. A client may end up feeling a sense of obligation, a sense of “Oh, I, I really have to get to that”. It is like a doctor telling us to eat less and exercise more. It’s all of these things that people keep saying to us while the fact is that the impact on us is the same. We don’t feel very good about it. We don’t feel very good about ourselves in light of some self. And in the process, we might see a client begin slipping into the negative emotional attractor.
Now have your client think about the moments in life in which they felt they were at their best. The moments in which they felt the most proud of what they were doing or how they were being. Ask your client: When you felt at your best?
Now, in comparison to the first part of this exercise, have the client provide a reflection on how it felt when they were remembering these moments, at the point in time they wrote them down.
You may see changes in your clients demeanor; they may even sit up a little straighter. The client would feel great and all would be good. Look to draw out some of the same kinds of feelings we have associated with the positive emotional attractor. Our client may actually start to feel a bit of a lift or a boost; this is what we call boosting self- and reveals your client’s ability to engage in something. They felt good about themselves at the time and remembering it in recall fashion. They might also make the connection between their positive influencer and when they felt they were at their best.
So there can be elements to observe in both the negative emotional attractor and the positive emotional attractor. Coaches will base client work after you have identified both attractors within them and this also will help when you need to move back and forth with a client’s goals to have true sustained desired change. Be advised that the negative attractor is very potent. At times we may have to dig out of some muck to get more toward the PEA’s.
Coaches need to practice bringing themselves into the positive emotional attractor before understanding how to lead other people that you’re conversing with in it.
You may find that clients naturally bring themselves into the negative attractor too frequently despite there already being plenty in our environment that does this to us on a regular basis. To lead a client through this, we suggest practicing a dialogue where by you inspire them. Do this by staying mindful of the need to practice coaching with compassion but sharing a positive reflection at the same
Coaches in training will be best advised if they can simply think of this dialogue as a conversation. Practice bringing someone into the positive emotional attractor, and trying to keep them there with positive dialogue. This art of the process is one that all coaches need to continuously work on.
The CHLC training is unique in that it is one of the only courses you will take where situationals/scenarios will not just involve the client; it will also involve the coach and what they bring to the coaching equation. We may describe for you a client that shows a need (assessed) for applying Ayurvedic principles into their food intake and you are not a specialist in that form, you already know that, so you’ll refer this client out. Unless, of course, you have self-assessed your strengths and weaknesses and taken a course to be certified in Ayurveda. Luckily, a CHLC can find many different ways to serve clients.
Practicing conversations that inspire your client
Coaching with compassion towards sustained desired change takes practice.
One observation seen in coaching relationships – and playing out in coach offices across the globe – is that we take the wrong first steps upon assessing our client. This occurs in that critical time of building rapport, when we establish goals in the early stages of trying to help clients. Most coaches (and clients) focus only on problems and all efforts are directed toward trying to resolve a problem. Unfortunately that often generates defensiveness in some, a decidedly negative emotional attractor. It does the opposite to helping activate somebody’s desire to learn and change within positive constructs; it usually elicits some closing down.
To resolve this, we use the principles of Appreciative Inquiry (AI). After we do more of this type of coaching and use reflections, we find that the coach is able to focus more on the client as the process becomes framed more clearly.
When AI is applied as taught (again, a simple dialogue), we can get our client to the ideal stage best prepared to make holistic goals and changes come about. As our client practices more and reflects on what they have learned during the assessment process, we then clarify what they have learned and what it means (reflection of meaning) to them. We also find out from the client what they want to change.
If our client doesn’t reflect or collect feedback, nothing will change. One way to manage this process – or make it happen – is to really be true, authentic and of course, focusing on the client. Now what you’re doing is bringing the client ‘into the PEA” and they are not worrying about a problem, they are not as focused on what they have to do as part of the process. You’re role in this is to simply empathize and help your client by reflecting. We also activate the positive and negative emotional attractors, but in an an appropriate balance, again a 4:1 ratio.
Another important indicator or outcome of effective coaching is based on the quality of the relationship. Is the relationship between the coach and the person being coached developing as a resonant relationship? For the relationship to be sustained, it has to be so.
It is a good time to remind coaches in training to use caution; avoid the mindset that you are going to try to fix clients at all times. To imagine this, try viewing your client as someone who seems to have everything together. The reason for this is simple. If we feel we have someone before us who is doing everything right, living well and being authentic, we will not have to fight any urge to “fix” this person. We can focus on something other than problems or issues.
We only bring our client toward the positive emotional attractor and keep them there for about an hour. During this time, be mindful of ways you can be an effective helper. Have an inspirational tone to your conversations – that is to say, not necessarily telling somebody what to do but encourage them to identify what would they really love to be doing (their ideal scene or self) instead.
Practice bringing them into the PEA. Ask questions that allow you to appreciate the client’s strengths. Reflect on all that happened during the session as a way to see if you are able to critically reflect on your skills and actions in terms of the concepts we’ve been learning in this course.
To engage the client in the positive emotional attractor try asking one of four following questions.
First, if your life were ideal ten years from now, what would it be like? If your client opens up, then your first session is really all about everything they tell you. You may not have to ask anything else and this is because as the client responds, they will develop more ideas. But you want them to be specific in terms of a visual image. And you’d like them to explain not just work but their family life, their spiritual life, their contributions to the community. Everything is on the table for discussion. It can be free form dialogue or, if needed, you can keep things on track with more questions:
The second question really relates more to mindfulness. What are the values that are most important to you, or virtues? How would you like to be emulating those, or living those in the future? If this doesn’t open up your client, move to the next question:
Name and describe someone who has helped you in your life. This is the same exercise described elsewhere in the training for this course. From this, we are looking for more PEA contributors. This is an effective and powerful way to invoke the positive emotional attractor. If none of that works and the client starts feeling a bit defensive or awkward, you have to use more creative ways of getting this information from our client.
We simply keep pushing. Try asking “If you were to win the MegaBucks lottery, how would your work or home life change? What are the things you’d like to do or experience while you are alive. If you were living your ideal life 10 to 15 years from now and a video camera was set up observing you, where would you be? Who would you be with? How would you be spending your time? What would we see?”
Sometimes we have to be creative to get this from our client. But what you’ll be doing is noting how they go into the positive emotional attractor.
Watch for our client’s tipping points; you will observe the these points and keep – or bring – them back into the positive emotional attractor.
Try asking for a highlight of the past year; this will also show you how the client flows in and out of the PEA and NEA as some clients will go into the positive emotional attractor briefly, and then they usually talk about how much the rest of their life or work is unpleasant, and they’ll go into the negative emotional attractor. Keep your client focused on the future (except for the question about who helped them, which pulls from compassion and a prior time stamp.
Summary
The coaching skills you have learned in this lesson represent the detail of our coaching model – a model that is designed to recognize the connection between positive outcome goals and our client’s positive emotional attractor; we are also coaching with compassion and empathy, as opposed to coaching for compliance or for something from within our own agendas – or worse, playing the expert. At the same time, we are inspiring will in our client. This is built into the process, much like how we build self-esteem, confidence and efficacy in our coaching service to our client.
If you enjoy this topic, you may also be interested in becoming a Certified Brain Fitness Coach.
