“But, I feel soooo Responsible!” – How to use life strategies coaching techniques to help your clients work through issues of responsibilities
This was the beseeching, almost desperate, cry of help I heard when a client called me in distress with a family situation. As a coach, I know better than to give advice, such as telling her logically to just set a better boundary. Nor could I “fix” the situation for her, much as I would like to have waved a magic wand. Nor would asking her, “why do you feel that?” with an accusatory tone implying, “why don’t you just mind your own business?” I listened to her concerns and set a time for us to coach together to find resolution.
This conversation led me to begin to sort out the question, “how can a perfectly well-meaning and kind person get dragged into such a trap of behaviors that are stressful and inappropriate?”
We hear the phrase or concept “be responsible” most every day and, generally, we know what is intended. However, responsible can be used as a “whipping” word of blame or judgment. Other times it is projected onto another as a way of dodging personal accountability.
What is meant by being responsible? When is this a proactive and appropriate behavior? And when is it a cultural or individual work of manipulation?
The actual definition of responsible is: adj. liable to be called to account to a person or thing; morally accountable for one’s actions; of good credit or repute; evidently trustworthy; being the primary cause of X happening.
In a more simple explanation, our primary responsibility is to one’s-self. To be safe in this world, it’s important to be who we truly are and to make decisions that benefit our authentic self. When a responsibility is either offered or given to us from the outside, we have the choice of accepting the request or proposal, or not. Once we have accepted a responsibility we then create a strategic action plan for carrying out the task or behavior – which can include delegating or hiring others to help with the process.
There are other responsibilities we generate from within ourselves that we choose to take on because they serve a purpose in our life. For instance, I may take on the responsibility for taking a class or earning a degree that furthers my career. This creates a “contract” between me and the organization – I meet the requirements for the class and I get a grade or passing mark. If I don’t meet the established requirements – I do not get a passing grade. Consequences of my actions.
Another kind of responsibility is in relationship. For example, if I decide to adopt a pet I take on the job of providing a safe environment, proper nutrition, exercise, nurturing, and training for that pet. If I were to go on vacation without my pet, it’s my obligation (I am responsible) to find a “responsible” person I can count on to take good care of my pet. In this example you see that being responsible for a commitment does not go away, pause or just stop – it is a commitment 24/7. Some commitments are easy and others are not so simple to fulfill – and we still do our best to be trustworthy (responsible) in the relationship.
Up to now all of this sounds pretty straightforward – someone asks me to be responsible for x and I choose to say “yes, I will” or “no, thank you,” right? Here’s where the incongruence creeps into the equation.
Sometimes a person will say “Yes” and not really mean yes. This person may feel “obliged” to say yes because of the implications of the relationship. On a Friday night at 4:30 a boss may give (assign) a task and want it done before the employee goes home. It’s a two hour job and the employee may already have an engagement to attend at 7:00pm across town. This creates a dilemma. Here’s where negotiation can be helpful. The employee can gather information from the boss as to the importance of having the task done Friday night: “As long as it gets done before Monday’s noon meeting, would that be OK to do it Monday morning?” And so on. The employee technically can say “NO,” however that may jeopardize the boss’s opinion of said employee with future consequences. Once the consequences are acknowledged, then the employee and boss can make informed decisions.
Now, back to the distress of my client. She was attempting to be supportive and kind by helping a family member (in-law) find nursing/custodial care for his mother in her home. In my client’s helpfulness, she remembered someone she knew who had just finished a similar job for a family and came highly recommended, and as a bonus the nurse even lived near the mother’s home.
In this scenario, the man was responsible for finding adequate care for his mother, it was not my client’s responsibility! Since the man did not want to or could not provide the needed care for his mother he was being responsible by looking for someone properly trained to do the job. My client was being nice and kind in suggesting the caregiver and the man was initially appreciative of her helpfulness.
Where it back-fired for my client was that once the caregiver was hired, the mother refused to be cooperative with the nurse and was very cruel and rude to her. The nurse put up with this abusive behavior for a while because she needed the job. My client then felt “guilty” (responsible) that she had recommended the caregiver only to find she was being treated so badly. Finally, the caregiver had had enough and quit. Then my client fell into the trap of feeling responsible to try to “fix” the situation by finding another caregiver – even though she was not the responsible person – the responsibility to find someone to care for the mother still belonged to the son. This put my client in a double-bind (darned if you do and darned if you don’t) because even if she knew of another nurse, my client wouldn’t recommend any person taking the job – knowing that she would most likely be abused as well. And if she didn’t find another care giver, the family member (son) might be mad at her – a projection of his responsibility onto my client in order to not be accountable.
The recommendation is in any internal or relationship conflict:
1. Be sure to have clarity on your goal, intention or purpose in the situation.
2. Define who is responsible for what actions based on facts.
3. Be proactive for self, you are your #1 priority, as it should be naturally
4. Assess what is the benefit for you, what belongs to you, and what belongs to other.
5. Thoughtfully and congruently make your choice in deciding, “Yes” or “No.”
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Marilyn and Al Sargent are international trainers and creators of the field of Cognitive Emotional Re-Alignment with Hemispheric Integration™, a user’s guide for your brain and how to RePower Your Life!, relieve suffering and get the results you want. They have a passion for teaching people how to communicate effectively by understanding how the brain “thinks.”
As a coach, Marilyn specializes in the Sargent’s Natural Grief process, Healthy Relationships, Phobia / Anxiety Release, Learning Strategies, Personal and Executive Coaching, and Spencer Institute’s Certified Life Strategies Coach training.
Al’s book, The Other Mind’s Eye: The Gateway to the Hidden Treasures of Your Mind gives people the tools to discover the essence of their true self; to clear the clutter of the mind and live in the harmony of balance. His latest work is Moving Through Grief with Grace and Dignity, the Way Nature Intended, a book about living life in balance.
Marilyn and Al are featured in the movie The Compass, a story about a traveler’s journey and life lessons. They are also the instructors for the Spencer Institute’s Life Strategies Coaching Certification.
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